Living on the Edge

There is an episode of Dexter where he has a flashback of himself as a child standing on the rooftop edge of a building. His eyes are closed, arms spread eagle, and head tilted back. His dad comes rushing from behind him and grabs hold of him, asking in fear why he was trying to kill himself. Dexter answers (something of the sort),

"I am not trying to kill myself. I am trying to feel alive."

I am reminded that many of us also suffer from this chronic ailment, and we each have our individual methods of coping. Some prefer to shop, play sports, drink (alcohol), work, etc. I, like the enthusiasts of this NYtimes article, ventured out to New Zealand to experience its Utopian wonders. Often hailed as one of the happiest countries on Earth, the most beautiful place on Earth, and the most adventurous place on Earth, many people flock to NZ to give their own lives a much needed jolt. There's plenty of panaceas to choose from: jumping out of planes or off bridges, retreating to our primitive lives with gorgeous pre-industrial lakes and scenery, rolling down a hill in a plastic ball, boogie boarding in class 4 rapids, flying with a pair of man-made wings, etc.

Kiwi-land is heaven for thrill-seekers and nature-lovers, but my main concern is that our actions are not solutions. We do not try to understand the fundamental reasons for our discontentment, but rather, continue to chase after short-term gratifications. When we're shopping, drinking, or jumping out of an airplane, we certainly experience the inexplicable feeling of "living," but a couple of minutes later, when all is said and done, what have we achieved? When we return to our daily lives - the situations that drive our frustrations and dissatisfactions - do we not return to our same self and emotions? What are we to do - continue to jump out of planes every day?

Aye, there's the rub.

I created my blog with the following intentions: 1) provide an outlet for me to self-reflect, 2) in the process, assist others to also become more self-aware, 3) generate enough activity for a possible exchange of service for money.

Dilemma: As of today, my blog has only been viewed 1,165 times (and half of those views were probably from me alone over the last 3 years).

True, my marketing efforts have been minimal, if not zilch. However, most forms of literature do not achieve popularity through an effective marketing campaign, but rather, via word-of-worth because the content is either 1) incredibly appealing to the stupid (think Brian Writes A Bestseller called Wish it, Want it, Do it) or 2) poignantly, arrogantly controversial (think Sarah Palin).

Well, for the few of us who fit in neither of those two categories - please rejoice. But to help reach my third goal, I may need to expand to another blog. More to come!

The Great Divide

Paul Krugman's article on the steep political/cultural/moral divide within America highlights my own equivocal stance on the ethical responsibilities of our society. Born and manufactured from a culture dedicated to individualism and personal endeavors, I understand how one's ego can deter the "haves" from sharing what we righteously earned with the "have-nots." After all, I worked 'hard for my money,' wrangled out of the snares of the lazy gene, and deserve every cent I attained. But on the other hand, the "have-nots" do not have the option of choosing their parents, do not all suffer from drug or alcohol addiction, and honestly, are simply less lucky - and deserve a chance. So, when I ponder over the propriety of taxing the wealthy or promoting universal health care to extend social benefits to the lazy, fat, uneducated, apathetic, unemployed tax stealers, criminals, etc. - I cannot help but think it is still worth it - and spiritually uplifting - to help the few hard-working souls out there who aren't any of the aforementioned.

Who am I?

"How you are seen by others becomes the mirror that tells you what you are like and who you are. You need others to give you a sense of self, and if you live in a culture that to a large extent equates self-worth with how much and what you have, if you cannot look through this collective delusion, you will be condemned to chasing after things for the rest of your life in the vain hope of finding your worth and completion of your sense of self there." ~ Eckhart Tolle



This quote nails it, and eloquently embodies the purpose of my blog. I think (one of) the most pervasive deficiencies throughout humanity is our lack of self-awareness. Many of us do not know what we need to be happy, what we want to strive for, or what motivates us to live. Instead of asking ourselves such questions through inward reflection, we often search outward. Material gratification, monetary success, religious piety, the approval of family and peers - all subscribe to a sense of fulfillment through the eyes of others - not ourselves! Stop chasing and creating delusions. Instead, start the life-long journey of venturing inside yourself!

Advanced Procrastination

This NYTimes Article resurfaced horrible memories of my high school Advanced Placement exams. As mentioned in the article, AP Biology, in particular, emphasized a student's ability to cram thousands of terms, diagrams, and theories learned throughout a school year (or within a 1000+ page prep book) for one 3 hour test. And then, imagine taking 5 AP classes concurrently!

The purpose of an AP test is to challenge and prepare high school kids for college-level coursework. Ironically, I think in this aspect, the AP exams are quite accurate. College, for many, consists of attending lectures half-awake (or non-present), and then memorizing a semester's worth of textbook material within a couple days before an exam (or stealing/paying for another's class notes and outlines). There's the occasional quiz and team projects, but the majority of a class's grade is dependent upon these mid/final exams (in international universities, it is much more common for class grades to simply consist of one or two exams).

The unfortunate consequence is that we usually forget most of what me learn after a summer of traveling or working. Why else do employers who hire new college graduates don't necessarily care about your specific major or what you learned. It is much more important for students to develop critical thinking, intellectual curiosity, soft skills, and the ability to learn.

Many universities do train and prepare students holistically, but our public schools still reinforce test-driven results through memorization and regurgitation. The CollegeBoard recognizes the trade-off and is in the process of reforming the AP Bio test to focus more on high-level conceptual and analytical processes. Memorization and productivity will not lead to a successful future for our students and country. Instead, we need to develop innovators and risk-takers, who are not afraid, but rather inspired, to create experiments, note failures, and continuously improve - not for the sake of grades or a piece of paper, but for humanity's sake.

A Year's Reflection

It shouldn't require an arbitrary point in chronology to engage in a moment of self-reflection - every day should be an opportunity to reflect on our lives' progress across a day, month, or decade. The onset of a new year encourages many people to set their eyes on the future. But many people set lofty goals and embrace hope without ever - ever - reflecting on their past failures, successes, and habits.

Shouldn't we ask ourselves why we fail to obtain our resolutions year after year? What past patterns can help predict my future behaviors? Are my goals SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, timely)? Whatever our goals may be, my only advice - if we are serious about changing our lives and producing positive habits for our own happiness - is to write it down. Stick a note on the bathroom mirror or your computer screen. Keep yourself accountable and reflect as often as you can to assess your effort.

Personally, my 2010 has been a roller coaster. I finally graduated with my BSBA, and got my first "real" job (and who knew within a year, I'd be laid off, go through three jobs, and now about to begin another more auspicious career). I looked into the souls of starving children in the slums of India, while diving into an entirely new culture by creating new friendships and barfing out Indian sweets. I helped my family jump start a new wine business. I endured the depression and spontaneity of a quarter-life crisis. What is it about 20 somethings? I reignited old, yet dwindled, friendships I regret for taking granted. I am one step closer to understanding love. I am more at peace with myself - my entire self.

Two Glass Ceilings

Sheryl Sandberg raises compelling reasons why so few women are able to reach executive status. I want to take it further and relate it to Asian-American minorities (or worse yet, Asian-American females). Like women, Asians-Americans are statistically less likely than white male counterparts to reach upper-management positions, given the same level of technical skills and education.

To understand why, it's reasonable to examine that which is not taught in public institutions - leadership, culture, personality. Not only is it important to shed from others the perception that Asians are simply hardworking, cubicle-bound machines, we must realize this ourselves and expand our skill set. After passing a certain threshold (e.g. GPA, technical knowledge), success on the corporate ladder becomes less correlated with expertise, and more related to our leadership, drive, and soft skills.

The effectiveness of a decision = quality of decision x level of acceptance.

To improve the latter variable, one must be able to connect to others, understand and empathize, ignite passions, build comradeship, develop trust, etc. Above all, Asians (including myself) are particularly challenged with taking credit for our success. We often displace our strides into the hands of seniors or team members without righteously obtaining recognition. While Eastern corporate culture might commend collectivism, superstars in the West are more apt to stand out and protrude our self-worth (which can also come in handy when say - haggling for a salary increase).

*Disclosure: I am not advocating a corporate lifestyle, but simply relating to those who are already on such a path. If you're stuck, either change your own behavior or change your environment - all paths lead to the same destination.*

I am Enough.

Here's another talk worth sharing that resonates deep across our psyches. We all want to be connected . To share feelings, experiences, love - is to be human. Without a social context to validate our minds, we simply cannot exist sanely. However, to create the connections we yearn, we try so hard to avoid shame and vulnerability - by buying the newest gadgets and clothes to fit in a social identity, by succeeding at work or school to achieve recognition, by indulging in food, alcohol and medication to drown out the negative emotions.

The problem: by burying our feelings of vulnerability, we discharge blame, intolerance, and self-deception in response to our fears. To feel worthy, we must embrace our own vulnerability, accept our own weaknesses, and understand our own (im)perfections. In doing so, we can listen to the fears of others, understand the (im)perfections of others, and connect.