I am weak. I can acknowledge that. I know what I want, yet I'm afraid to act on it. I am surrounded by social pressures--parental guilt, peer "success," cultural norms. I am a groomed product on the last stretch of four years of top quality education and every ounce of preparation culminates with the expectation for a job in the "real world."
I never saw it that way. I refused to let my mind act as a blank board, receiving, remembering, and regurgitating. I filtered, questioned, and doubted everything to understand a bigger picture--a rationale to our existence that inevitably examines one's career as a common source of 1) purpose for our livelihoods and 2) essence for our self-creation. All our competitive energies ripple into finding a perfect job or career that I've never been able to consider as anything more than a distraction--a ridiculous excuse for living--to lay waste to our minds.
The greatest thing college gave me is an opportunity to feel what it's like to live. My parents can consider themselves successful if they truly wanted to offer me what they never had. To live in the moment. To displace mechanical tendencies. To have dopamine as my daily natural high. In doing so, I need to fulfill my innate sense of spontaneity that I worry will only be drowned by the lifeless routines of 50+ hour work weeks, meaningless outputs, and materialistic desires.
"It never hurts to try," is what I keep lying to myself. I am fully aware of the cognitive dissonance, and although hypocrisy is currently getting the better of me, I do not intend to fall prey to any cyclical prison. I've tasted what I want, and nothing can ever stop me from its full realization.
It always works out in the end.
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